This past week I had the fortune to take my 9-year old daughter Ellie and her friend Megan to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. For those not familiar, Cedar Point is west of Cleveland and sits on the shores of Lake Erie. It is also home to more roller-coasters than any other amusement park in the country with 14. They call themselves the “Amazement” Park because their rides are so amazing. I thought it was because you spend most of the day in “a maze” waiting in line to go on the stinkin’ rides. Following are some lessons I learned while waiting in the mazes or just walking around.
DISCLAIMER: Half of the fun being at Cedar Point is “people watching.” And the fun of people watching is making fun of those people. So if any of the following offends you, just lighten up and relax. Just trying to have some fun here.
Lesson 1) “I’m an idiot”
After being diagnosed with a complex tear of the meniscus behind my left knee, what better physical therapy could I do for my knee than to spend 11 hours walking on the comfy concrete confines of an amusement park. And when you do get to sit down, you’re cramming your butt into a compartment that was made to comfortably hold a 14 year old girl. Plenty of leg room too! The corkscrew is nowhere near the highest or fastest coaster, but it is without a doubt the most uncomfortable. The seat and harness on this 33 year old ride has you so confined it makes being in an MRI feel roomy. For dinner I ordered a cheeseburger with a side of Advil.
Lesson 2) “It’s Simple Math”
Let’s get this one out of the way early. When you’re getting dressed to go to the park heed this advice. Take your actual clothes size and subtract from it the size that you just put on. If the resulting number is in double digits – it’s probably not a good idea to wear that outfit. And trust me, the water ride will NOT help your look. So do us all a favor and wear clothes that fit you today, not clothes that fit you when you were 15.
Lesson 3) “The future ain’t what it used to be”
It’s good to see Dippin’ Dots – the ice cream of the future – is celebrating its 35th anniversary. I still can’t believe it hasn’t caught on past being a novelty treat at tourist stops and sporting venues. It is interesting to note that it continues to sell at futuristic prices though.
Lesson 4) “All Buckeyes are Nuts”
The down side of Cedar Point being in Ohio is all those stinkin’ Ohio State fans. Saw a guy with an OSU shirt that had listed on the back – Commitment, Tradition, Attitude. I noticed that “Academics” wasn’t on the list. God forbid anyone else wear another college t-shirt. If you do, that Buckeye fanatic will be sure to thump their chest and tell you how great OSU is with no less than a dozen F-bombs. As this guy was berating a Purdue fan I wanted to tell him – “Listen you drunken redneck. Go back to your trailer, brush your tooth and sleep it off.” But I kept that to myself because us Michigan fans have more class than that. Not as many wins lately, but more class.
Lesson 5) “Get the order right”
Go on all motion rides in the morning - before lunch. Why? Because the options for lunch are corn dogs, vinegar fries and an elephant ear. You hit the Viking ship after lunch and you’ll be tasting it twice. Simple and important rule – don’t mess this one up.
Lesson 6) “Super Fan”
Alright, we’ve all seen this guy somewhere. He’s got the authentic Peyton Manning NFL jersey, long royal blue shorts, Indianapolis Colts sneakers and matching ball cap – worn backwards, of course. Dude……Come on. Either you lead such an empty vacuous life that you have to live vicariously through an NFL quarterback OR you’re like Robert DeNiro in “The Fan” – a homicidal maniac stalking a superstar. Just so you know, you’re stocky 5’6” frame told me right away that you weren’t the real Peyton Manning. Heck, Manning’s the only one who could get away with actually wearing that and HE wouldn’t be caught dead in that get up. I’m sure you have a dog at home named Peyton. Trust me, if he could talk, he would tell you that you look like a fool too.
Lesson 7) “My Hero”
I salute the guy that has the cajones to wear a Tommy Bahama shirt, cut-off jean shorts, thongs (footwear), a Mexican sombrero, an 8” Civil War soldier tattoo on his calf and a cheesy porn mustache. I couldn’t even make that up. I think the people that welcome you into the park need to hand out mirrors to the people that obviously don’t own one. That’s a great look buddy and when they have the casting call for the sequel to Boogie Nights, I expect to see you there.
Lesson 8) “Water Rides Rock”
Cedar Point has 3 water rides for the price of 2. Thunder Canyon is ok – it’s hit and miss. Snake River Falls gets you drenched. Then the bridge as you’re exiting Snake River Falls is the bonus baby where you get nailed again. Be smart enough to bring your swimsuit to change into or else you’ll spend the rest of the day understanding the meaning of the word “chafe.” Also, nothing is more invigorating on a hot day that being drenched by the refreshingly unfiltered waters of Lake Erie. They tell us that the water was at the acceptable fecal level of 0.5 and that anything over 0.8 is unacceptable. Don’t know about you, but a fecal level over 0.0 is unacceptable to me. For 5 bucks they have stand-up driers to quickly dry yourself off. I’d pay 10 bucks for a de-tox chamber.
Lesson 9) "T-shirts are cool"
It seems like many visitors like to show off their humorous t-shirts at the park. The most common one I saw last Tuesday said, "It wasn't me." Now this looks clever on a middle aged man or even a teenage boy. But when you see a 35-year old woman who's 5'2" and pushin' the scales at a buck ninety - it looks like she's actually pleading her case. Not cool. Here's a tip - leave the evasive fart jokes to the guys. It's expected of us.
Lesson 10) “Watch it buddy”
There are all kinds of prizes for being suckered to play those stupid carnival games. A common prize I saw people with was the classic pair of fuzzy dice attached with string. Didn’t think much of it till I saw an attractive woman in shorts and a bikini top wearing the pair of dice around her neck. Yes, I’m a guy, so a couple of jokes raced through my mind. Just then, some Buckeye fan standing right behind me shouts to her – “Nice pair babe. Looks like snake eyes to me.” She turns her head and looks sternly at me. I innocently replied, “It wasn’t me.” I bought the t-shirt on the way out.
