"Kneed" Me?

Well, I had my first "procedure" of any kind this morning, other than dental work. Also, it was my first time under any anesthetic that didn't have the name "Jack" or "Jose" attached to it (that's a whiskey and tequila joke for those a little slow today). I am typing this just 2 1/2 hours after the completion of my surgery. So I still have some anesthetic flowing through me and the vicodin is starting to kick in. That is my disclaimer if I type anything that doesn't really make sense..........like this whole blog post. ;-)

I was not allowed to have anything to eat or drink after midnight last night. So just for fun, I walked in the surgery center at 7:00 am holding an empty Tim Horton's coffee cup. I told the woman at Registration, "Don't worry, it's decaf." Then she felt it was ok to razz me about me wearing my flannel pajama pants to surgery. I pointed to her scrubs and said, "You didn't dress up for this either." Nice way to start out a surgical procedure - exchanging smart-ass remarks with the registration desk.

The people at the Beaumont Surgical Center were outstanding........until they shaved my leg. She asked, "Left knee?" I said, "Yes. My left, your right." "Huh?" In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been making jokes about which knee to operate on. Oh well. I asked her how long it takes to grow back. She said, "I don't know, I never let mine grow this long." Nice. Left leg is shaved 6 inches above and below the knee. That'll be a great look when I hit the gym in a couple of weeks for physical therapy. I asked her to shave the other leg the same way for some symmetry. She said, "No dice. You're on your own with that one."

Then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself. I asked if they had any flavored anesthetics, you know, like at the dentist. I preferred "cherry" or "cookie dough" if they had it. He told me that he would see what he could do. I also let them know that I'm an aspiring comedian and was hoping to get some material from this. So everyone was having fun sharing other stories for me. I just wanted to make sure everyone was awake and alert and that they knew if they screwed up, I would make fun of them on stage. Accountability. Yeah, that's it.

They then wheeled me down to the operating room, slid me on the table, injected me with the cookie dough anesthetic and I was asleep quicker than the Lions give up a touchdown. Woke up an hour later in the recovery room. The word got out that I was a part-time comedian and they were asking for jokes. I was still waking up, so I would tell them jokes in and out of consciousness. They thought it was funny how I would start telling a joke, then fall back asleep in the middle of the punch line. I told them to look me up on youtube for the whole joke. I think I made up a couple of new Tiger Woods jokes too......or maybe that was just the "cookie dough" talking. They asked if I felt nauseous. I told them - "Only when I watch a Lions game." It got to the point where the anesthesiologist was giving me a "rim shot" after the jokes.

My mom was a trooper through the whole thing. After years of her taking my dad for hospital visits and procedures - and watching my dad do the same thing......it was a walk down memory lane for her. Glad I could comply.

After all said and done, I was back at my house by 10:45. Got situated in the recliner with remote in hand and turned the tv on. Shortly thereafter, I was in excruciating pain. Yes, watching Drew Carey host "The Price Is Right" is incredibly painful to watch. Fortunately, I have a whole bottle of vicodin by my side. Half the bottle is for me, the other half is to sell to cover my co-pay. Tell Obama, I have my own health care plans. Anyway, I put in a movie which helped ease the Drew Carey induced pain and made protein shake.......cause I'm starving!

I have an ace bandage wrapped from my foot to my thigh and I have to leave it on for 3 days. Glad I took a shower this morning.......cause its gonna be a few days. Probably should have kept that part to myself. Might limit the visitors this weekend. Because I'm a sentimentalist at heart, I am using the same crutches my dad used when he had knee surgery in 1968. That probably wasn't a good idea either.

Thanks again for all the well-wishes. I really do appreciate it. It's nice to know how many people think they're in my will. I had a great experience and I'm having a great day........because that is my choice. It's a choice we get to make every morning, so choose wisely!

Lessons From Getting to the Point - Cedar Point

This past week I had the fortune to take my 9-year old daughter Ellie and her friend Megan to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. For those not familiar, Cedar Point is west of Cleveland and sits on the shores of Lake Erie. It is also home to more roller-coasters than any other amusement park in the country with 14. They call themselves the “Amazement” Park because their rides are so amazing. I thought it was because you spend most of the day in “a maze” waiting in line to go on the stinkin’ rides. Following are some lessons I learned while waiting in the mazes or just walking around.

DISCLAIMER: Half of the fun being at Cedar Point is “people watching.” And the fun of people watching is making fun of those people. So if any of the following offends you, just lighten up and relax. Just trying to have some fun here.

Lesson 1) “I’m an idiot”

After being diagnosed with a complex tear of the meniscus behind my left knee, what better physical therapy could I do for my knee than to spend 11 hours walking on the comfy concrete confines of an amusement park. And when you do get to sit down, you’re cramming your butt into a compartment that was made to comfortably hold a 14 year old girl. Plenty of leg room too! The corkscrew is nowhere near the highest or fastest coaster, but it is without a doubt the most uncomfortable. The seat and harness on this 33 year old ride has you so confined it makes being in an MRI feel roomy. For dinner I ordered a cheeseburger with a side of Advil.

Lesson 2) “It’s Simple Math”

Let’s get this one out of the way early. When you’re getting dressed to go to the park heed this advice. Take your actual clothes size and subtract from it the size that you just put on. If the resulting number is in double digits – it’s probably not a good idea to wear that outfit. And trust me, the water ride will NOT help your look. So do us all a favor and wear clothes that fit you today, not clothes that fit you when you were 15.

Lesson 3) “The future ain’t what it used to be”

It’s good to see Dippin’ Dots – the ice cream of the future – is celebrating its 35^th anniversary. I still can’t believe it hasn’t caught on past being a novelty treat at tourist stops and sporting venues. It is interesting to note that it continues to sell at futuristic prices though.

Lesson 4) “All Buckeyes are Nuts”

The down side of Cedar Point being in Ohio is all those stinkin’ Ohio State fans. Saw a guy with an OSU shirt that had listed on the back – Commitment, Tradition, Attitude. I noticed that “Academics” wasn’t on the list. God forbid anyone else wear another college t-shirt. If you do, that Buckeye fanatic will be sure to thump their chest and tell you how great OSU is with no less than a dozen F-bombs. As this guy was berating a Purdue fan I wanted to tell him – “Listen you drunken redneck. Go back to your trailer, brush your tooth and sleep it off.” But I kept that to myself because us Michigan fans have more class than that. Not as many wins lately, but more class.

Lesson 5) “Get the order right”

Go on all motion rides in the morning - before lunch. Why? Because the options for lunch are corn dogs, vinegar fries and an elephant ear. You hit the Viking ship after lunch and you’ll be tasting it twice. Simple and important rule – don’t mess this one up.

Lesson 6) “Super Fan”

Alright, we’ve all seen this guy somewhere. He’s got the authentic Peyton Manning NFL jersey, long royal blue shorts, Indianapolis Colts sneakers and matching ball cap – worn backwards, of course. Dude……Come on. Either you lead such an empty vacuous life that you have to live vicariously through an NFL quarterback OR you’re like Robert DeNiro in “The Fan” – a homicidal maniac stalking a superstar. Just so you know, you’re stocky 5’6” frame told me right away that you weren’t the real Peyton Manning. Heck, Manning’s the only one who could get away with actually wearing that and HE wouldn’t be caught dead in that get up. I’m sure you have a dog at home named Peyton. Trust me, if he could talk, he would tell you that you look like a fool too.

Lesson 7) “My Hero”

I salute the guy that has the cajones to wear a Tommy Bahama shirt, cut-off jean shorts, thongs (footwear), a Mexican sombrero, an 8” Civil War soldier tattoo on his calf and a cheesy porn mustache. I couldn’t even make that up. I think the people that welcome you into the park need to hand out mirrors to the people that obviously don’t own one. That’s a great look buddy and when they have the casting call for the sequel to Boogie Nights, I expect to see you there.

Lesson 8) “Water Rides Rock”

Cedar Point has 3 water rides for the price of 2. Thunder Canyon is ok – it’s hit and miss. Snake River Falls gets you drenched. Then the bridge as you’re exiting Snake River Falls is the bonus baby where you get nailed again. Be smart enough to bring your swimsuit to change into or else you’ll spend the rest of the day understanding the meaning of the word “chafe.” Also, nothing is more invigorating on a hot day that being drenched by the refreshingly unfiltered waters of Lake Erie. They tell us that the water was at the acceptable fecal level of 0.5 and that anything over 0.8 is unacceptable. Don’t know about you, but a fecal level over 0.0 is unacceptable to me. For 5 bucks they have stand-up driers to quickly dry yourself off. I’d pay 10 bucks for a de-tox chamber.

Lesson 9) "T-shirts are cool"

It seems like many visitors like to show off their humorous t-shirts at the park. The most common one I saw last Tuesday said, "It wasn't me." Now this looks clever on a middle aged man or even a teenage boy. But when you see a 35-year old woman who's 5'2" and pushin' the scales at a buck ninety - it looks like she's actually pleading her case. Not cool. Here's a tip - leave the evasive fart jokes to the guys. It's expected of us.

Lesson 10) “Watch it buddy”

There are all kinds of prizes for being suckered to play those stupid carnival games. A common prize I saw people with was the classic pair of fuzzy dice attached with string. Didn’t think much of it till I saw an attractive woman in shorts and a bikini top wearing the pair of dice around her neck. Yes, I’m a guy, so a couple of jokes raced through my mind. Just then, some Buckeye fan standing right behind me shouts to her – “Nice pair babe. Looks like snake eyes to me.” She turns her head and looks sternly at me. I innocently replied, “It wasn’t me.” I bought the t-shirt on the way out.

Goin' to Miami

I'm very fortunate that I am able to attend conferences that have taken me throughout the country.  But through all my personal and professional travels, I've never been to southeast Florida.  The conference was in Miami and was taking place on Tuesday and Wednesday. Looking for a nice day off,  I scheduled my flight for early Monday morning so I could rent a car and spend the day in Key Largo.  I had the 6:45 am flight that was filled with Newlyweds and Nearly-deads.  I WAS the average age even though no one was my age.  

I made my car reservation only a day before I left, so all the "cool" cars to rent were not available.  As I'm standing at the Hertz counter at the airport, she said, "We have a Grand Marquis available."  Perfect.  If you didn't know, the average age of Grand Marquis owners is 72, so they made me join the AARP before I could take it.  I get to the car and notice it has Pennsylvania plates.  Great. Now I look like the stereotypical northern retired snowbird down for the winter.  I already had shorts and sandals on and was worried that they would make me wear black dress socks with my sandals and send me to a shuffleboard tournament at the Driftwood Mobile Home Park.

Anyway, I get in the car and it has a GPS system with a sexy female voice (it is Miami, you know).  I named her Sophie.  I figured that if I was going to have a woman on the passenger side of the car telling me where to go, I would need a name to yell back at.  She was to me what "Wilson" was to Tom Hanks in Castaway.  So I typed in  The Fish House in Key Largo and off I went.  Now Sophie was putting me on the turnpike right away, but I noticed it wasn't too out of the way to take the Don Shula Parkway.  For me, if I had a chance to drive on a highway named after a hall of fame NFL coach, I'd take it.  It was only fitting that it is a toll road.  I had to pay to see him coach and I had to pay to drive on his road.

I made it to The Fish House around noon and ordered Stone Crab - market price for the day was $29.  Btw, that's only an appetizer.  Crab cake sandwich and a couple of beers and I spent $50 for lunch just for me.  Always heard about the "Florida Keys" and wanted to see them for myself.  Now I know.....nothing fancy.  It's a nice place if you like to fish, scuba dive and drink. There's no beach, just coral.  Didn't have time to fish or dive, so I had my beers, drove around a bit and headed to my hotel in the North Beach area of Miami Beach.

Now Miami's nice because it's ALMOST the United States.  I'm glad I had Sophie with me because asking for directions wasn't an option since I don't speak Spanish or Long Island.  Of course my car came with a complimentary handicap plate so I could park anywhere I wanted.  I once again avoided Sophie's suggested path and decided to route myself through historic South Beach.  Judging by the Porshe's, Maserati's and Bentley's lining Collins Avenue, South Beach residents seem to be doing just fine.  I think the local plastic surgeons are doing well too - if you know what I mean.

Finally made it to my hotel and the conference was great.  It wrapped up Wednesday afternoon and since I only had a temporary visa, I had to rush to the airport to get my flight. Until next time...........  

Laughter - Still the Best Medicine

I'm sure we've all heard stories from our parents or grandparents of how challenging it was during the Great Depression.  Many of those that lived through it had emotional scars that lasted a lifetime.  If you read my previous blog post (New to Us, Doesn't Mean it's New), you will see that this is another down cycle in our economy.  Not new, but not easy either.  History tells us that unemployment doesn't peak until 2 years AFTER a recession hits.  It's the delayed domino effect of a contracting economy and the layoffs that ensue.  This means unemployment will peak in 2010, then gradually come back after that.  

That is just how it is and we can't change that.  What we can change is our own behavior in reaction to the reality set before us.  So if you haven't already started, you need to adjust your lifestyle now to prepare for the economic hurricane that is here for a while.  Here are some seemingly simple tips that our society got away from over the past few years:

-- Stop keeping up with the "Jones's"

-- Don't charge - pay cash (what a novel concept).

-- Set a family budget.

-- Last time I checked, laughter is still FREE - so start laughing more.

Did you know that children laugh 10 times more per day than adults?  Why does that change?  You're born with laughter, its being serious that you learn.  Here is a list of ways that laughter is good for your health:

--  It boosts your immune system.

--  It relieves stress & lowers your blood pressure.

--  It increases blood flow & oxygenation of your blood which makes you heal faster.

--  It actually increases your intellectual performance & boosts your information retention.

--  And.......it makes your cheeks sore.

So get more laughter in your life.  Google words like "laughter" and "jokes" and see what comes up.  Read a humorous book.  If you're going to the movies, see a comedy or go to a comedy club.  When you hear a funny story, share it with five people.  It won't bring you good luck like the e-mail chain, but it will help five more people smile.  Whatever you do, don't take yourself too seriously.  Enjoy yourself, and if you can't enjoy yourself - enjoy somebody else. ;-)

Top 5 Christmas Songs That Need To Be Put On The Shelf

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas songs as much as anyone.  I think we can all agree though, that there are some songs that have outlived their entertaining value - if they had any value to begin with.  Here's my top five:

5) "Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter - This church classic personafies all that Christmas is about with lyrics like:

They call me back door Santa

I make my run at the break of day

I keep the little girls happy,

While the boys are out to play

Yeah, that ranks right up there with "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters for most romantic Christmas songs.  How about change the title to "Back Door Man," & re-release it in June.  Until then, put it on the shelf.

4) "Auld Lang Syne" - What does that mean anyway?? I'll give $10 to anyone who can even tell me what language that is!!!  Yet tradition forces us to sing a song on New Years, even though we have no clue what it's even about.  New rule: If no one knows what the title means & can't recite more than one line - put it on the shelf.

3) "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano - This one reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit that goes for six minutes, but stopped being entertaining after one.  C'mon, there's only 4 lines in the whole song & the last 2 are the English translation of the first 2.  I remember in 4th grade Music class, the teacher actually passed out the lyrics so we could sing along.  Gee, thanks teach - cause I wasn't able to memorize it after the first 30 times I heard it on the radio.  The in-depth Spanish lesson will come in handy too if I'm ever stuck in a Tijuana jail.  Shelf it!

2) "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy -  This is one of those cute, clever songs that I liked the FIRST time I heard it.  The novelty wore off after about the third time.  The remaining 4,000+ times over the past 30 years have been mildly tortuous.  "Gather around kids & let me tell you the heart-warming holiday tale of Santa committing involuntary manslaughter on a drunken senior citizen."  What they don't tell you is that Santa blew a .07 on the breathalyzer himself.  Let's put this one on the back of the shelf - behind the fruit cake.

1) "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs - I think I have a little better insight than most on this one.  Spending years on a dog training team and hanging out with many dogs and dog trainers - I've learned to speak "Canine."  News flash: These dogs AREN'T singing Jingle Bells.  It's a parody that actually makes fun of humans.  Not to mention the Shitz tzu is totally off key and when the baritone Hound isn't singing, he's, well...cleaning his chestnuts - if you know what I mean.  I actually have a game I play with the time it takes from when I hear it come on the radio & when I change the station.  My personal best is .86 seconds.  Don't shelf it.  Let's torch this one.

So, I would like to wish everyone Feliz Navidad & hope your New Year's is Auld Lang Syne.  Keep your back door locked, grandma away from the egg nog & tell your dog - "I'm on to you now!"

Dylan said it first.......

...The times, they are a-changin'

So its the summer of 1984 and I'm inside the Harmony House record store in Sterling Heights and I wander over to this small section labeled, "Compact Discs."  I asked the sales guy, "So, what's the scoop with these things?  Are they here to stay?"  His response was, without hesitation, "In 5 years, this whole store will be CD's and you won't see vinyl records anymore."  I'm thinking, "yeah, right.  CD's are $25 a pop and CD players are $500." (btw, those are 1984 dollars.)  Well, by 1988, CD's were outselling vinyl records and never looked back.  Oops!  I guess I missed on that one.

So its the summer of 1999 and I'm at a friends house.  He invites me into his home office to show me this beta version of a new software that he downloaded on his computer.  "Check this out," he says, as he opens it up.  "It converts music to a new format called MP3 and I can play all my music off the computer.  It's gonna change the way we listen to music."  I'm thinking, "yeah, right.  I can't carry the computer with me everywhere and CD players are in everyone's cars."  Well, by October 2007, downloadable music singles outsold CD singles 2 to 1 and, heck, I even have my own iPod.  CD sales are in rapid decline.  I'm watching new car commercials that have built in MP3 players and the latest, hippest mobile phones have them too.  Oops!  I'm 0 for 2 on the music front.

Right now, my 8 year old daughter's asking me, "What's a vinyl record?"  I can't wait for that time in the far-off future when her children ask her, "What's an iPod?"  As I said in the subject line, Bob Dylan said it first: The times, they are a-changin'.  Of course, he followed up that song with, Everybody must get stoned.  How do I know?  I just downloaded them from iTunes for $.99 a piece. 

Halloween

I hope everyone's Halloween went well.  Every year I seem to crack up at the same thing.  We eat a quick dinner, take some pictures, walk forever trick-or-treating, get back to the house, hand out candy to the tireless 13 year olds with pillow cases.........then finally turn out the lights and close up for the night.  I go over to the stove, make some hot chocolate to warm up and sit down on the couch to relax before I go to bed.  It feels like 11:00pm, so I turn on the television to catch the news.  Thats when I hear the announcer on TV say - "This......is.......Jeopardy!"  It's only 7:30!!!!  How can that be?

Human Nature

There have been many changes in the past 5,000 years in regards to technology, transportation, governments and socio-economic systems.  There is one constant that hasn't budged - human nature.  The same basic emotions that drove us then, drive us now.  Let's take a look...........

Cicero was a famous philosopher and politician that lived in Rome at the time of Caesar.  These were very turbulent times as Caesar was trying to become dictator of the Roman Republic.  The following quote is by Cicero in 55 B.C., or 2,063 years ago:

"The budget should be balanced, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt."

Hmmmmm......... Sound familiar?  Budget deficits, excessive national debt, out-of-touch and arrogant public officials and excessive assistance to foreign countries.  Cicero also felt that a country should not wage war unless for revenge or to defend ones self.  He didn't mention anything about weapons of mass destruction.

Soooooo, either Rome was ahead of its time or we are behind the times.  Or maybe, just maybe, human nature hasn't changed in 5,000 years - or at least in the last 2,063. 

How to successfully avoid Sweetest Day

The fall is a busy time for many Midwestern men.  It's the heart of football season and major league baseball gains suspense as the playoffs deepen.  Eternal hope is high for hockey and basketball fans as their seasons begin and beef jerky sales are on the rise as hunting season opens.

With this, the widows of sporting men bond together in search of the traditional pre-Halloween Christmas sales that already dominate retailers.  With boxes and bags clutched under their arms, they look back at the conquered terrain known as the "mall" and, with the pride of Caesar, proclaim - "Veni, Vidi, Visa" - translated as - I came, I saw, I went shopping!

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a lot of romance in the fall.  Then again, I'm not sure if there are a lot of romantic Midwestern men.  The two busiest months for births in the Midwest are September and November.  As we quickly dial back nine months from each, we end up with most conception occurring in December and February - the holidays and St. Valentine's Day.  Come on guys!  Can we only be prompted for romance by the food and spirits served around the holidays and the presence of a nationally recognized day to celebrate the one you love? Are those really the only times we can be romantic?

It's no surprise that 87 years ago, a dozen candy makers in Cleveland, Ohio saw an opportunity.  While sales traditionally peaked in December and February, the rest of the year lagged.  The summer heat would keep candy sales down and springtime was too soon after Valentine's Day.  So on October 8, 1921, Sweetest Day was born.  Why? Because these 12 Cleveland confectioners knew that when it comes to romance, men are as spontaneous as a full moon coming every 29.531 days.  If she's not sighin', we're not buyin'.  As I add 9 months to mid-October, I now view my late July birthday with great suspicion.

I am now pleading with the men of the midwest.  Please open the calendar in your Blackberry, Treo, PalmPilot or Outlook.  Pick a random day in each month and label it R.A.R. (Random Act of Romance) and set an alarm for 2 days ahead of it to remind you.  Feel free to write in the notes section of each day - send card, make dinner, buy flowers, etc. It should take less than 10 minutes to complete. I believe you'll be happy with the results and the maternity wards can more evenly staff their departments throughout the year.  We must also embrace this practice before Lowe's and Home Depot conspire with Hallmark for "Honey Do" Day.  Then we'll be committed to spending the second Saturday of every May completing projects around the house that we've so cleverly been avoiding.

Godspeed and Good Luck!