Saturday, December 13, 2008

Top 5 Christmas Songs That Need To Be Put On The Shelf

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas songs as much as anyone.  I think we can all agree though, that there are some songs that have outlived their entertaining value - if they had any value to begin with.  Here's my top five:

5) "Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter - This church classic personafies all that Christmas is about with lyrics like:

They call me back door Santa
I make my run at the break of day
I keep the little girls happy,
While the boys are out to play

Yeah, that ranks right up there with "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters for most romantic Christmas songs.  How about change the title to "Back Door Man," & re-release it in June.  Until then, put it on the shelf.

4) "Auld Lang Syne" - What does that mean anyway?? I'll give $10 to anyone who can even tell me what language that is!!!  Yet tradition forces us to sing a song on New Years, even though we have no clue what it's even about.  New rule: If no one knows what the title means & can't recite more than one line - put it on the shelf.

3) "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano - This one reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit that goes for six minutes, but stopped being entertaining after one.  C'mon, there's only 4 lines in the whole song & the last 2 are the English translation of the first 2.  I remember in 4th grade Music class, the teacher actually passed out the lyrics so we could sing along.  Gee, thanks teach - cause I wasn't able to memorize it after the first 30 times I heard it on the radio.  The in-depth Spanish lesson will come in handy too if I'm ever stuck in a Tijuana jail.  Shelf it!

2) "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy -  This is one of those cute, clever songs that I liked the FIRST time I heard it.  The novelty wore off after about the third time.  The remaining 4,000+ times over the past 30 years have been mildly tortuous.  "Gather around kids & let me tell you the heart-warming holiday tale of Santa committing involuntary manslaughter on a drunken senior citizen."  What they don't tell you is that Santa blew a .07 on the breathalyzer himself.  Let's put this one on the back of the shelf - behind the fruit cake.

1) "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs - I think I have a little better insight than most on this one.  Spending years on a dog training team and hanging out with many dogs and dog trainers - I've learned to speak "Canine."  News flash: These dogs AREN'T singing Jingle Bells.  It's a parody that actually makes fun of humans.  Not to mention the Shitz tzu is totally off key and when the baritone Hound isn't singing, he's, well...cleaning his chestnuts - if you know what I mean.  I actually have a game I play with the time it takes from when I hear it come on the radio & when I change the station.  My personal best is .86 seconds.  Don't shelf it.  Let's torch this one.

So, I would like to wish everyone Feliz Navidad & hope your New Year's is Auld Lang Syne.  Keep your back door locked, grandma away from the egg nog & tell your dog - "I'm on to you now!"

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Bailout or George Bailey?

Can anything else be said about the auto bailout, or bridge loan, or line of credit - that hasn't already been said? Has the topic been covered that Senator Shelby and his cohorts are speaking of the Detroit 3 with information from the 1980's?  Has it been explained that "we the people" haven't wanted to buy electric vehicles or hybrids?  Do people understand that American consumers actually like SUV's and pick-up trucks and WANT to buy them?  

I hope we all realize that the main difference between the Detroit 3 and everyone else is the incredible legacy costs of retiree's benefits and pensions along with some 30 year old burdensome UAW contracts.   So shame on GM, Ford and Chrysler for being feeders to the U.S. economy for the past 100 years!  Shame on you for helping build a middle class in this country!  Shame on you for helping create jobs through your factories and the suppliers that feed the factories and the local stores and restaurants that feed those workers and so on and so on.  Shame on you for paying a good wage to a blue collar worker so they can be an active consumer in our marketplace and send their kids to college!  Shame on you for creating a pension and health benefit plans for retirees of all levels that rewarded years of loyalty to your organization!  Shame on you for keeping property taxes low in the communities where you have a presence! How dare you pay so much in taxes, give so much in charity and give back so much to the local communities!  How greedy can you get!

Have they been perfect through the years?  No.  Guess what?  Neither has our government - where deficit spending is business as usual.  Do you remember the Christmas classic "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey?  Did George make some mistakes along the way?  Hell yeah!  Then why did the whole town bail HIM out at the end of the movie?  Simple.  Because he gave so much to so many for so long.  Sound familiar?  It was the town's opportunity to say thank you.  Maybe Sen. Shelby from Alabama needs a visit from Clarence the Angel so he can see how things would be if the Detroit 3 were never born.