Top 5 Christmas Songs That Need To Be Put On The Shelf

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas songs as much as anyone.  I think we can all agree though, that there are some songs that have outlived their entertaining value - if they had any value to begin with.  Here's my top five:

5) "Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter - This church classic personafies all that Christmas is about with lyrics like:

They call me back door Santa

I make my run at the break of day

I keep the little girls happy,

While the boys are out to play

Yeah, that ranks right up there with "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters for most romantic Christmas songs.  How about change the title to "Back Door Man," & re-release it in June.  Until then, put it on the shelf.

4) "Auld Lang Syne" - What does that mean anyway?? I'll give $10 to anyone who can even tell me what language that is!!!  Yet tradition forces us to sing a song on New Years, even though we have no clue what it's even about.  New rule: If no one knows what the title means & can't recite more than one line - put it on the shelf.

3) "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano - This one reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit that goes for six minutes, but stopped being entertaining after one.  C'mon, there's only 4 lines in the whole song & the last 2 are the English translation of the first 2.  I remember in 4th grade Music class, the teacher actually passed out the lyrics so we could sing along.  Gee, thanks teach - cause I wasn't able to memorize it after the first 30 times I heard it on the radio.  The in-depth Spanish lesson will come in handy too if I'm ever stuck in a Tijuana jail.  Shelf it!

2) "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy -  This is one of those cute, clever songs that I liked the FIRST time I heard it.  The novelty wore off after about the third time.  The remaining 4,000+ times over the past 30 years have been mildly tortuous.  "Gather around kids & let me tell you the heart-warming holiday tale of Santa committing involuntary manslaughter on a drunken senior citizen."  What they don't tell you is that Santa blew a .07 on the breathalyzer himself.  Let's put this one on the back of the shelf - behind the fruit cake.

1) "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs - I think I have a little better insight than most on this one.  Spending years on a dog training team and hanging out with many dogs and dog trainers - I've learned to speak "Canine."  News flash: These dogs AREN'T singing Jingle Bells.  It's a parody that actually makes fun of humans.  Not to mention the Shitz tzu is totally off key and when the baritone Hound isn't singing, he's, well...cleaning his chestnuts - if you know what I mean.  I actually have a game I play with the time it takes from when I hear it come on the radio & when I change the station.  My personal best is .86 seconds.  Don't shelf it.  Let's torch this one.

So, I would like to wish everyone Feliz Navidad & hope your New Year's is Auld Lang Syne.  Keep your back door locked, grandma away from the egg nog & tell your dog - "I'm on to you now!"

Bailout or George Bailey?

Can anything else be said about the auto bailout, or bridge loan, or line of credit - that hasn't already been said? Has the topic been covered that Senator Shelby and his cohorts are speaking of the Detroit 3 with information from the 1980's?  Has it been explained that "we the people" haven't wanted to buy electric vehicles or hybrids?  Do people understand that American consumers actually like SUV's and pick-up trucks and WANT to buy them?  

I hope we all realize that the main difference between the Detroit 3 and everyone else is the incredible legacy costs of retiree's benefits and pensions along with some 30 year old burdensome UAW contracts.   So shame on GM, Ford and Chrysler for being feeders to the U.S. economy for the past 100 years!  Shame on you for helping build a middle class in this country!  Shame on you for helping create jobs through your factories and the suppliers that feed the factories and the local stores and restaurants that feed those workers and so on and so on.  Shame on you for paying a good wage to a blue collar worker so they can be an active consumer in our marketplace and send their kids to college!  Shame on you for creating a pension and health benefit plans for retirees of all levels that rewarded years of loyalty to your organization!  Shame on you for keeping property taxes low in the communities where you have a presence! How dare you pay so much in taxes, give so much in charity and give back so much to the local communities!  How greedy can you get!

Have they been perfect through the years?  No.  Guess what?  Neither has our government - where deficit spending is business as usual.  Do you remember the Christmas classic "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey?  Did George make some mistakes along the way?  Hell yeah!  Then why did the whole town bail HIM out at the end of the movie?  Simple.  Because he gave so much to so many for so long.  Sound familiar?  It was the town's opportunity to say thank you.  Maybe Sen. Shelby from Alabama needs a visit from Clarence the Angel so he can see how things would be if the Detroit 3 were never born.

Through the eyes of Christmas

The garland and lights are wrapped around the lampposts lining Main Street.  The shopping malls are decorated as well and the newspapers are littered with the Christmas sales.  We have all enjoyed this view of the holiday, but have you ever had the fortunate experience to see Christmas through the eyes of Christmas?

Santa Claus and Christmas go hand-in-hand, and to put on the red suit, hat and beard gives you a perspective that will change the way you look at the holiday. In my 20 years of playing the big guy at private parties and shopping malls, I've accumulated many wonderful stories.  The most noticeable and consistent experience is being greeted with a a warm smile and a wave of hello by all, 100% of the time.  Everybody loves Santa because nobody has a bad "Santa" memory.

Playing Santa at the mall is the closest feeling to being a rock star.  People are lined up for an hour waiting to spend just a few moments with you.  Of course, to a 6 year old, you are BIGGER than a rock star.  You're Santa! There was one experience I had at the mall that was not with a child, but an adult.  It was near closing time on a weeknight, so there was no line.  Sitting in the chair, I noticed a younger woman walk by and look my way.  I waved. With an embarrassed smile, she waved back.  Hesitantly, she stopped at the entrance and spoke briefly with one of Santa's helpers, then walked up the ramp toward me.  She was a tall, attractive brunette in her early twenties.  It wasn't uncommon to have young adults come up for a picture, so I thought nothing of the approach.

She sat on my lap as I said hello in my regular voice.  When asked to pose for the photo, she declined.  Puzzled, I asked, "What's going on?"  With a serious and somber look she replied, "It's been a tough year and I just needed someone to talk to."  A tear gently flowed down her cheek as she explained in more detail.  What a powerful experience.  This woman knew I was a complete stranger and not the real Santa Claus, but chose to confide in me the troubles in her life.  Is it because of the suit?  Or the childhood memories of what Santa represented - happiness and hope?  I became a shoulder to lean on.  We spoke for a few minutes, then she smiled, gave me a hug and exited down the ramp.  I never saw her again, but I never forgot her either.  I learned to never underestimate the power of the suit.  You're not just representing a character, but an emotion and an age of innocence that we all long for when times get tough.

It was a Saturday morning youth bowling league.  In between games, the kids would sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.  They had a young woman in a red dress to serve as my helper.  It was the regular routine - kids sitting on my lap telling me they had been good and what they wanted in exchange for that.  Sonya, my helper, then introduces me to Kevin.  "Well hello Kevin," was my greeting.  "How old are you now?" "Seven," he quietly replied.  "And what do you want for Christmas?"  His responses will forever be ingrained in my memory.  "I would like my mom to find a boyfriend so she's not so alone."  Hardly expecting this response, I replied, "Ok, what else would you like?"  "My dad to get off the drink because he's mean when he drinks."  Sonya is standing behind Kevin with tears now running down her face and mouthing to me, "Oh my God."  "What else would you like?"  was all I could respond with.  "My little brother to get the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that he really wants."  "Is there anything you want just for you?"  "No.  That's it," was his reply.

I was stunned.  I just had an innocent 7 year old boy tell me his life was miserable and he didn't want to be miserable anymore.  All Kevin was asking from Santa was to be happy.  Seven years old is the golden age for believing in Santa.  You're old enough to understand it and young enough to believe wholeheartedly.  But Kevin had already figured out at age 7 what most people never figure out - that if the people closest to you aren't happy, then the material things in life are meaningless.

This experience changed my view of Christmas forever.  As the 25th of December nears, I look at the people closest to me to see if they are happy.  If not, then what can I do to make a positive difference in their lives?  Their happiness will translate to my happiness and that is the only gift I ask for.  If just being "happy" is a good enough present for a 7 year old, then it will always be good enough for me.

Dylan said it first.......

...The times, they are a-changin'

So its the summer of 1984 and I'm inside the Harmony House record store in Sterling Heights and I wander over to this small section labeled, "Compact Discs."  I asked the sales guy, "So, what's the scoop with these things?  Are they here to stay?"  His response was, without hesitation, "In 5 years, this whole store will be CD's and you won't see vinyl records anymore."  I'm thinking, "yeah, right.  CD's are $25 a pop and CD players are $500." (btw, those are 1984 dollars.)  Well, by 1988, CD's were outselling vinyl records and never looked back.  Oops!  I guess I missed on that one.

So its the summer of 1999 and I'm at a friends house.  He invites me into his home office to show me this beta version of a new software that he downloaded on his computer.  "Check this out," he says, as he opens it up.  "It converts music to a new format called MP3 and I can play all my music off the computer.  It's gonna change the way we listen to music."  I'm thinking, "yeah, right.  I can't carry the computer with me everywhere and CD players are in everyone's cars."  Well, by October 2007, downloadable music singles outsold CD singles 2 to 1 and, heck, I even have my own iPod.  CD sales are in rapid decline.  I'm watching new car commercials that have built in MP3 players and the latest, hippest mobile phones have them too.  Oops!  I'm 0 for 2 on the music front.

Right now, my 8 year old daughter's asking me, "What's a vinyl record?"  I can't wait for that time in the far-off future when her children ask her, "What's an iPod?"  As I said in the subject line, Bob Dylan said it first: The times, they are a-changin'.  Of course, he followed up that song with, Everybody must get stoned.  How do I know?  I just downloaded them from iTunes for $.99 a piece. 

Halloween

I hope everyone's Halloween went well.  Every year I seem to crack up at the same thing.  We eat a quick dinner, take some pictures, walk forever trick-or-treating, get back to the house, hand out candy to the tireless 13 year olds with pillow cases.........then finally turn out the lights and close up for the night.  I go over to the stove, make some hot chocolate to warm up and sit down on the couch to relax before I go to bed.  It feels like 11:00pm, so I turn on the television to catch the news.  Thats when I hear the announcer on TV say - "This......is.......Jeopardy!"  It's only 7:30!!!!  How can that be?

Human Nature

There have been many changes in the past 5,000 years in regards to technology, transportation, governments and socio-economic systems.  There is one constant that hasn't budged - human nature.  The same basic emotions that drove us then, drive us now.  Let's take a look...........

Cicero was a famous philosopher and politician that lived in Rome at the time of Caesar.  These were very turbulent times as Caesar was trying to become dictator of the Roman Republic.  The following quote is by Cicero in 55 B.C., or 2,063 years ago:

"The budget should be balanced, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt."

Hmmmmm......... Sound familiar?  Budget deficits, excessive national debt, out-of-touch and arrogant public officials and excessive assistance to foreign countries.  Cicero also felt that a country should not wage war unless for revenge or to defend ones self.  He didn't mention anything about weapons of mass destruction.

Soooooo, either Rome was ahead of its time or we are behind the times.  Or maybe, just maybe, human nature hasn't changed in 5,000 years - or at least in the last 2,063. 

How to successfully avoid Sweetest Day

The fall is a busy time for many Midwestern men.  It's the heart of football season and major league baseball gains suspense as the playoffs deepen.  Eternal hope is high for hockey and basketball fans as their seasons begin and beef jerky sales are on the rise as hunting season opens.

With this, the widows of sporting men bond together in search of the traditional pre-Halloween Christmas sales that already dominate retailers.  With boxes and bags clutched under their arms, they look back at the conquered terrain known as the "mall" and, with the pride of Caesar, proclaim - "Veni, Vidi, Visa" - translated as - I came, I saw, I went shopping!

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a lot of romance in the fall.  Then again, I'm not sure if there are a lot of romantic Midwestern men.  The two busiest months for births in the Midwest are September and November.  As we quickly dial back nine months from each, we end up with most conception occurring in December and February - the holidays and St. Valentine's Day.  Come on guys!  Can we only be prompted for romance by the food and spirits served around the holidays and the presence of a nationally recognized day to celebrate the one you love? Are those really the only times we can be romantic?

It's no surprise that 87 years ago, a dozen candy makers in Cleveland, Ohio saw an opportunity.  While sales traditionally peaked in December and February, the rest of the year lagged.  The summer heat would keep candy sales down and springtime was too soon after Valentine's Day.  So on October 8, 1921, Sweetest Day was born.  Why? Because these 12 Cleveland confectioners knew that when it comes to romance, men are as spontaneous as a full moon coming every 29.531 days.  If she's not sighin', we're not buyin'.  As I add 9 months to mid-October, I now view my late July birthday with great suspicion.

I am now pleading with the men of the midwest.  Please open the calendar in your Blackberry, Treo, PalmPilot or Outlook.  Pick a random day in each month and label it R.A.R. (Random Act of Romance) and set an alarm for 2 days ahead of it to remind you.  Feel free to write in the notes section of each day - send card, make dinner, buy flowers, etc. It should take less than 10 minutes to complete. I believe you'll be happy with the results and the maternity wards can more evenly staff their departments throughout the year.  We must also embrace this practice before Lowe's and Home Depot conspire with Hallmark for "Honey Do" Day.  Then we'll be committed to spending the second Saturday of every May completing projects around the house that we've so cleverly been avoiding.

Godspeed and Good Luck!

Any room for a liberal conservative?

It's an election year which means lines in the sand are drawn between colleagues, peers, relatives, friends and foes.  The questions invariably come up -- "Are you a Democrat or Republican?  Are you a liberal or conservative?  You gotta pick one, so which is it?"  Once you answer, you're immediately lumped in with ALL of the stereotypical ideologies of each party.  And that's the problem.  If I look at a list of 10 popular subjects with the liberal stance on one side and the conservative on the other - I may circle 5 of each, or 3 and 7 or 6 and 4.  To me, all are critical concerns (economic policy, health care, social security, etc.).  So who's MY party if my opinions are split?  Are you allowed to be pro-choice and want to "drill, baby drill?"  Can you be pro-life and a staunch environmentalist?  Will your political party accept you if you don't agree with 10 of 10?  Is there no room for independent thought on topics of such great diversity?

George Washington was able to run unopposed twice without a firm two-party system in place. As his second term was ending, lines were being drawn as a two-party system was beginning to evolve.  Washington, an educated and insightful man, gave his concerns on this subject in his farewell speech in Sept of 1796:

"....It serves always to distract the public councils and enfeeble the public administration.  It agitates the community with ill-founded jealousies and false alarms, kindles the animosity of one part against another, foments occasionally riot and insurrection....."

I'm not sure if I've ever heard a more prophetic statement in my life (btw, I had to look up the word "foment" too). His opinion was based on two-party systems in Europe and the dynamics that evolved.  I hear people say, "I've never seen an election get this bad."  My response has been, "That's funny, I hear people say that every presidential election year."  Does it mean its getting worse or do we just have short memories?  Well folks, we have short memories.  It's been this bad ever since the election of 1796 - the first time we had two candidates run against each other. In fact, it's probably more civilized, but no less combative.

The question becomes, "Is a two-party (or multi-party) system a good thing?  Is it necessary?"  I believe it is a necessary evil for the betterment of our country.  We have 300 million people in this country with just as many thoughts and opinions.  With that, there's a constant tug-of-war from our elected officials on what are the right decisions. Let me give you an example of how multiple opinions can create the right result. Sir Francis Galton was the first to develop statistical theories on "standard deviation" and "regression to the mean." In 1906, Galton visited a livestock fair and stumbled upon an intriguing contest. An ox was on display and the villagers were invited to guess the animal's weight after it was slaughtered and dressed. Nearly 800 gave it a go and, not surprisingly, not one hit the exact mark of 1,198 pounds. Astonishingly, however, the average of those 800 guesses (which were all over the place) came very close at 1,197 pounds.

There were a lot of different opinions that varied greatly, but averaged out to be right where it needed to be.  And that's the beauty of the two-party system.  Within this, there can be a focus of the top issues with varied opinions combined with the balance of power through the 3 branches of government that result in the average of all the opinions.  Where things can go terribly wrong is when we don't have an opinion on something - like complicated highly leveraged mortgage-back securities.  Well guess what..............we have an opinion on that now, don't we?  And the average of those opinions has been enacted.

So does it really matter that there's no party for a liberal conservative like myself? I guess not.  I'll vote for my guy and trust that, over time, the average of the opinions will continue to move us forward - or as the old saying goes - "It all comes out in the wash."

Vacation Time

I will be on vacation this Friday through next Wednesday.  Returning to work on Thursday, May 29.  

I will be traveling to Easter Island which is 2200 miles west of Chile in the south Pacific.  I'll be with an archeological group studying the decline of the Rapanui inhabitants through the deforestation and destruction of the island's ecosystem.  We will also be attempting to reenact how the Rapanui people moved the 887 monolithic stone structures know as "Moai" through  a system of pulleys and logs.  While there, I will be taking some core samples from Terevaka, which is the islands largest extinct volcano.  The goal is to identify if the deforestation of the ecosystem was caused by the Rapanui people or from the climate effects of the "Little Ice Age" that spanned from 1650 to 1850.  Anyway, Easter Island is in the central time zone so I'll only be an hour behind you.  My cell phone won't work, but I'll be able to check e-mails.

Alright, so I'm just kidding around.  I am leaving the country, but to Canada - the home of Tim Horton's and Labatt Beer.  My goal is to identify the effects that REAL Canadian beer can have on my golf game.  Call me if you need me.

Ciao!