Top 5 Christmas Songs That Need To Be Put On The Shelf

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas songs as much as anyone.  I think we can all agree though, that there are some songs that have outlived their entertaining value - if they had any value to begin with.  Here's my top five:

5) "Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter - This church classic personafies all that Christmas is about with lyrics like:

They call me back door Santa

I make my run at the break of day

I keep the little girls happy,

While the boys are out to play

Yeah, that ranks right up there with "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters for most romantic Christmas songs.  How about change the title to "Back Door Man," & re-release it in June.  Until then, put it on the shelf.

4) "Auld Lang Syne" - What does that mean anyway?? I'll give $10 to anyone who can even tell me what language that is!!!  Yet tradition forces us to sing a song on New Years, even though we have no clue what it's even about.  New rule: If no one knows what the title means & can't recite more than one line - put it on the shelf.

3) "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano - This one reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit that goes for six minutes, but stopped being entertaining after one.  C'mon, there's only 4 lines in the whole song & the last 2 are the English translation of the first 2.  I remember in 4th grade Music class, the teacher actually passed out the lyrics so we could sing along.  Gee, thanks teach - cause I wasn't able to memorize it after the first 30 times I heard it on the radio.  The in-depth Spanish lesson will come in handy too if I'm ever stuck in a Tijuana jail.  Shelf it!

2) "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy -  This is one of those cute, clever songs that I liked the FIRST time I heard it.  The novelty wore off after about the third time.  The remaining 4,000+ times over the past 30 years have been mildly tortuous.  "Gather around kids & let me tell you the heart-warming holiday tale of Santa committing involuntary manslaughter on a drunken senior citizen."  What they don't tell you is that Santa blew a .07 on the breathalyzer himself.  Let's put this one on the back of the shelf - behind the fruit cake.

1) "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs - I think I have a little better insight than most on this one.  Spending years on a dog training team and hanging out with many dogs and dog trainers - I've learned to speak "Canine."  News flash: These dogs AREN'T singing Jingle Bells.  It's a parody that actually makes fun of humans.  Not to mention the Shitz tzu is totally off key and when the baritone Hound isn't singing, he's, well...cleaning his chestnuts - if you know what I mean.  I actually have a game I play with the time it takes from when I hear it come on the radio & when I change the station.  My personal best is .86 seconds.  Don't shelf it.  Let's torch this one.

So, I would like to wish everyone Feliz Navidad & hope your New Year's is Auld Lang Syne.  Keep your back door locked, grandma away from the egg nog & tell your dog - "I'm on to you now!"